One phrase that
keeps recurring as a result of the current rave for divorce is
"Irreconcilable Differences". This is usually an abridged version of
"I am tired of this marriage. I want out." Some people use it without
understanding its true meaning.
During marriage
counselling sessions, we are told to work in harmony as a couple, with emphasis
on having a common purpose, be willing to make sacrifices for your family. The
only thing we are told about our differences is to try and strike a balance
when they occur or better still, discard any difference that will want to cause
problems in our marriage. We are never told how much good differences can do us
if utilized.
It seems as if
differences are the bane of many marriages. What we don’t seem to understand is
that life is built on difference likewise marriage. When God created the earth,
the first thing He did, was to create two totally different things, light and
darkness. And from then on, everything he created was different from the other;
male and female, land animals, air animals and sea animals, etc. Even plants
are different from each other. He even went a step further, each creation has a
location where they thrive; fishes do well in water, certain living things only
live in the desert, etc. Even marriage is built on differences, Adam and Eve,
not Adam and Steve or Eve and Evelyn as being promoted in some quarters.
Look around you, you’ll
hardly find anything that functions on a single part. It is different parts
that make the whole and keeps our world moving.
God knew what He was
doing when He made marriage to be between male and female, people of different
parts, character, thinking, temperament etc.
It is important for
couples to have common goals and aspirations to ensure a successful marriage.
It is equally important that couples utilize their differences to guarantee a
happy marriage. Honestly, if having things in common is the key that starts the
marriage vehicle, then difference is what moves the engine forward. Even though
I and my husband have several things in common, like name, faith and belief; we
also have our differences, he is quick-tempered and I am not, his big and tall
while I am short and small, he eats a lot while I don’t and so many others too
numerous to mention. Truth is, our differences far out-weigh our common grounds.
But that doesn’t stop us from getting along. In fact, we do not tolerate each
other. We allow each other to be ourselves, stand our ground where necessary
and give way where necessary. Once we were talking about the food I cook, there
is this particular one that I like so much, abacha, a local delicacy made from
cassava shreds. After many months of eating it, my husband said to me, “Because
I eat it, does not mean I like it. That doesn’t mean that I eat it because I don’t
have a choice”. Despite this declaration, whenever we visit Enugu, he makes
sure that we make a stop at our usual abacha joint.
The point am getting
at is in marriage, there will be differences whether we like it or not. But we
must be willing to forgive and reconcile these differences to our own. Marriage
is a shadow of what our relationship with God should be like. Imagine a man so
mighty stooping down to call us friend and relate with us at both our own level
and His. It’s such that, even when we go astray He does not discard us; but
draws us closer to Him and forgives our trespass. That is what marriage should
be like, relating with each other on each other’s level and forgiving at every error.
There’s no limit to forgiveness. You forgive until death puts you apart.
When Jesus was
questioned about divorce, His reply was,
“He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts
suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.” (Matthew 19:8).
You may want to
defend yourself using the next verse after it,
“And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be
for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso
marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery. (Matthew 19:9)
by saying, “But
He/She cheated on me and so I cannot forgive him. Divorce is the only way out. I
want to be happy again.” Here’s Jesus’ answer,
“Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin
against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say
not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.”(Matthew
18:21-22)
For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also
forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your
Father forgive your trespasses. (Matthew 6:14-15)
Here’s my question
to you, how long do you plan to count your spouse’s sins? Be prepared to count
till death because offence will never cease. Do you expect forgiveness when you
can’t forgive? If yes, then you are not only selfish, but wicked. God won’t
forgive you until you forgive. So you see, with God divorce is not an option. In
fact he categorically said,
For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for
one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts:
therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously. (Malachi 2:16)
Ask anybody who knows what a happy marriage is,
And you’ll learn that no marriage is devoid of differences. Learn to reconcile
your differences. Keep “me, myself and I” at bay and you’ll enjoy your
marriage. One thing I know is that, love is one sided. My love for my husband
doesn’t depend on him, it depends on me. Why? He is bound to disappoint at any
time. After all, he is only human. Acknowledgement and acceptance of individual
differences and reconciling them into a collective difference in your marriage
with God as your middle-man ensures lasting happiness and enduring love. Divorce
is for sissies and those who do not know God. You can’t have God in your
marriage and difference becomes a problem. Differences can be a strength if
reconciled in love.
May God help us to accept our differences and
remove evry form of selfishness In Jesus name, amen.
