Irreconcilable Differences

One phrase that keeps recurring as a result of the current rave for divorce is "Irreconcilable Differences". This is usually an abridged version of "I am tired of this marriage. I want out." Some people use it without understanding its true meaning.

During marriage counselling sessions, we are told to work in harmony as a couple, with emphasis on having a common purpose, be willing to make sacrifices for your family. The only thing we are told about our differences is to try and strike a balance when they occur or better still, discard any difference that will want to cause problems in our marriage. We are never told how much good differences can do us if utilized.

It seems as if differences are the bane of many marriages. What we don’t seem to understand is that life is built on difference likewise marriage. When God created the earth, the first thing He did, was to create two totally different things, light and darkness. And from then on, everything he created was different from the other; male and female, land animals, air animals and sea animals, etc. Even plants are different from each other. He even went a step further, each creation has a location where they thrive; fishes do well in water, certain living things only live in the desert, etc. Even marriage is built on differences, Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve or Eve and Evelyn as being promoted in some quarters.

Look around you, you’ll hardly find anything that functions on a single part. It is different parts that make the whole and keeps our world moving.

God knew what He was doing when He made marriage to be between male and female, people of different parts, character, thinking, temperament etc.

It is important for couples to have common goals and aspirations to ensure a successful marriage. It is equally important that couples utilize their differences to guarantee a happy marriage. Honestly, if having things in common is the key that starts the marriage vehicle, then difference is what moves the engine forward. Even though I and my husband have several things in common, like name, faith and belief; we also have our differences, he is quick-tempered and I am not, his big and tall while I am short and small, he eats a lot while I don’t and so many others too numerous to mention. Truth is, our differences far out-weigh our common grounds. But that doesn’t stop us from getting along. In fact, we do not tolerate each other. We allow each other to be ourselves, stand our ground where necessary and give way where necessary. Once we were talking about the food I cook, there is this particular one that I like so much, abacha, a local delicacy made from cassava shreds. After many months of eating it, my husband said to me, “Because I eat it, does not mean I like it. That doesn’t mean that I eat it because I don’t have a choice”. Despite this declaration, whenever we visit Enugu, he makes sure that we make a stop at our usual abacha joint.

The point am getting at is in marriage, there will be differences whether we like it or not. But we must be willing to forgive and reconcile these differences to our own. Marriage is a shadow of what our relationship with God should be like. Imagine a man so mighty stooping down to call us friend and relate with us at both our own level and His. It’s such that, even when we go astray He does not discard us; but draws us closer to Him and forgives our trespass. That is what marriage should be like, relating with each other on each other’s level and forgiving at every error. There’s no limit to forgiveness. You forgive until death puts you apart.

When Jesus was questioned about divorce, His reply was,

“He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.”  (Matthew 19:8).

You may want to defend yourself using the next verse after it,

“And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.  (Matthew 19:9)

by saying, “But He/She cheated on me and so I cannot forgive him. Divorce is the only way out. I want to be happy again.” Here’s Jesus’ answer,

“Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.”(Matthew 18:21-22)

For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. (Matthew 6:14-15)

Here’s my question to you, how long do you plan to count your spouse’s sins? Be prepared to count till death because offence will never cease. Do you expect forgiveness when you can’t forgive? If yes, then you are not only selfish, but wicked. God won’t forgive you until you forgive. So you see, with God divorce is not an option. In fact he categorically said,

For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously.  (Malachi 2:16)

Ask anybody who knows what a happy marriage is, And you’ll learn that no marriage is devoid of differences. Learn to reconcile your differences. Keep “me, myself and I” at bay and you’ll enjoy your marriage. One thing I know is that, love is one sided. My love for my husband doesn’t depend on him, it depends on me. Why? He is bound to disappoint at any time. After all, he is only human. Acknowledgement and acceptance of individual differences and reconciling them into a collective difference in your marriage with God as your middle-man ensures lasting happiness and enduring love. Divorce is for sissies and those who do not know God. You can’t have God in your marriage and difference becomes a problem. Differences can be a strength if reconciled in love.

May God help us to accept our differences and remove evry form of selfishness In Jesus name, amen.